Where do I start… I’m in transition between caregivers and feeling completely overwhelmed.  Training a new caregiver to care for you really bring the reality of dependency to the forefront.  You literally have to instruct their every movement for it to work.  It is extremely frustrating and the feeling of helplessness overcomes me.  no matter how frustrating, my life depends on this other human being who has no incentive of working for me other than being paid to do it. 

Where does confidence come from?  Where does a feeling of self worth come from when you are not even capable of keeping yourself alive?  Sadly, I don’t have the answers to those questions.  It’s just something that happens.  Do I have it?  I can’t say that I completely do.  I have confidence in my actions, but true confidence in self… I think I lack it.  When you are so physically limited, how can you expect someone to love you (in terms of relationships)?  What do I have to offer?  Sure, love is not all physical, I know the lesser of it is.  But realistically, if someone I deeply care about needed me, I could do nothing.  If someone has fallen and needs a hand up, I’ve got nothing.  I could only sit there and ask if they are all right.  Where does confidence come from?  When so many people, more than you can count, have stared at you with your legs spread, practicing how to a catheter on you, how do you hold on to your dignity?